Grammy Predictions

As I briefly mentioned in a previous post I work in the music department of a store (which will remain nameless for as much as I dislike my job and would like to be fired I know realistically that wouldn't be a good idea). One of the new displays in our stores features "Grammy Nominees For 2013": Taylor Swift, fun., Maroon 5 and Kelly Clarkson. That's it. One of the explanations for this shit wall display is the fact that my merchandiser is a guy who would rather be playing golf any given day than picking out music or possibly, that the Grammy nominations this year slightly...underwhelming.

I thought I would go through all (or some...let's not get too crazy) of the 2013 nominees and I can share my two cents about who will probably win (underlined), and then who I would pick to win. I'm not a clairvoyant by any means but strictly based on previous year's statistics, about 300% (math.) of the time they give the Grammy to the person I most dislike.
Cool. 

Also, big ups to Wikipedia for existing so I can just copy and paste this shit.

Record of the Year
“Lonley Boy” — The Black Keys
“Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You)” — Kelly Clarkson
“We Are Young” — fun. feat. Janelle Monae
“Somebody That I Used To Know” — Gotye feat. Kimbra
“Thinking About You” — Frank Ocean
“We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” — Taylor Swift

Ugh. I just rolled my eyes at this entire category. I'm going to have to give this one to Taylor Swift. We're going to get plenty (pleeeenty) of T. Swizzle at next year's Grammy's so I just feel like they're going to prep and prime us for that. After all, she's always just so "surprised" when she wins! LIKE, WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED!? ...everyone. always.
As for who I think should win... Frank Ocean. He did something brilliant with Channel Orange that deserves to be recognized. I also wouldn't be opposed to Gotye winning because as overplayed as that song was, I love his music (especially "Like Drawing Blood"), he puts on a good show, and is sexy as hell.

Album of the Year

The Black Keys — El Camino
fun. — Some Nights
Mumford & Sons – Babel
Frank Ocean — Channel Orange
Jack White — Blunderbuss

Predicting Mumford for this one. I mean, yeah. Probably. I don't really care. I'm already over this. Frank Ocean should win though. I like every song on his album and I only like certain ones on the other ones. So, that's the reasoning I had. I do love Jack White though... whatever. I'm done with this.

Best New Artist

Alabama Shakes
fun.
Hunter Hayes
The Lumineers
Frank Ocean

Predicting fun. to win this one. I mean, they probably will because they are "new" and their songs took over every radio station in existence the past year. As far as who I'd pick...Frank Ocean (shock.) or Alabama Shakes. Ho Hey makes me want to drive off the nearest cliff and Hunter Hayes is that child that sings that one song that if wasn't sung in a countryesque way would sound really possessive. Right? I WANT TO WRAP YOU UP. I WANT TO KISS YOUR LIPS. I WANT TO MAKE YOU FEEL WANTED. I WANT TO CALL YOU MINE. I WANT TO HOLD YOUR HAND FORRRREVVVERRR. NEVER LET YOU FORGET IT. Creeps me the fuck out.

Song of the Year
“The A Team” — Ed Sheeran
“Adorn” — Miguel
“Call Me Maybe” — Carly Rae Jepsen
“Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You)” — Kelly Clarkson
“We Are Young” — fun. feat. Janelle Monae

Predicting Call Me Maybe...because...it's Call Me Maybe and everyone and their mom (literally) knows it. Get it away. Just get it over and let it die.
As for who I'd pick...Ed Sheeran. Obviously. I'd give an award to Ed Sheeran for every category if I could...new artist, latin pop album, movie score...all of the above. Done and done.
Shit, I didn't even see that We Are Young is nominated...so...this category is a mess of who-knows-what and I change my mind to having fun. win this one. Or something? Who the fuck knows. Maybe we should just fuck it all and give it to Miguel.

Best Rock Album

El Camino — The Black Keys
Mylo Xyloto — Coldplay
The 2nd Law — Muse
Wrecking Ball — Bruce Springsteen
Blunderbuss — Jack White

Guessing that the Black Keys will win this one because the Grammy's aren't like a regular mom, they're a cool mom. Right, Regina?
I'd pick Muse because Muse will always be one of my absolute favorites and despite the shit it gets, the 2nd Law is the 2nd best album (appropriate) they've ever put out (after Origin of Symmetry, duh). YEAH I SAID IT. The rest of the nominees are good too though. So I don't really care who wins...except NOT Bruce Springsteen because who even heard that album at all? Go home, Bruce.

Best Rap Song (I had to type these out by hand because I couldn't find a list, can you tell?)
"Daughters" - Nas
"Lotus Flower Bomb" - Wale feat. Miguel
"Mercy" - Kanye West and Pusha T and other people but really? Kanye's going to accept the award if he wins
"The Motto" - Drake feat. Lil' Wayne
"N*!%$&*^S in Paris" - Jay-Z and Kanye West

"Young, Wild and Free" - Snoop Dogg & Wiz Khalifa

I was going to discuss best Rap Album but the nominees were stupid and the Roots won't win so I don't even want to go there. These are all good songs but I'm mega confident that it will go to N*#*$#(&84s in Paris because the song is damn good. Mercy is also amazing and I literally listen to it at least 300 times a day. So really, either way Kanye's going to make an appearance on stage and I couldn't be more excited for the bullshit that comes out of his amazingly talented mouth.

In conclusion, there's a lot of bullshit going on at this year's Grammy's and they haven't even started yet. Basically:

• We're going to see Frank Ocean not winning anything except Best Urban Contemporary (FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AT LEAST GIVE HIM THAT)
• Amy Winehouse is going to win posthumously (with Nas) and someone is going to cry (me)
• Adele better show her ass up and make another perfect acceptance speech ("fanks!")
• Nobody will give a single fuck about 99% of the categories (Sorry Best Gospel/Contemporary Christian Music Performance, Album Notes, Recording Package, etc.) 
• I'm already 4,000% done with Rihanna's performance
• If the Muppets beat out T. Swift it will be the best night of my life
• Bill Clinton will be there